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            It’s always hard to admit you are probably the worst screw-up in the history of useless people, but when you have to, you have to.  There’s a point you reach when you realize just how bad it really is; the point where you see through your lies long enough to realize you don’t even know how bad you are because you are so used to lying to people about what’s really going on with you that you actually believe it yourself. 

It’s as if you’ve hypnotized yourself; you are so used to looking and living the lies you tell everyone that when you finally see the truth, even if for just a moment, the hypno-job you’ve done on yourself pops up and glosses over everything right away.  Your false persona returns because what you saw in that split second scared you so much you had to jump back into whatever dark hole you’ve made to hide in: because you realize you have such a bad problem that you don’t know if you can fix it.  Hell, the problem scared you so much you don’t even want to look at it, let alone figure out how to make things right again. 

Finally, you get enough courage and drag it out into the daylight; the sunlight hurts.  Ugly, festering sores and open wounds are covered in puss; here and there, a scab formed over something you actually had the strength to deal with, but most of what you see is rotting, putrefying problems that slash at your insides and gangrene growing around your heart.  The smell makes you gag, while the gross moral decay turns your stomach.  Then you realize you’re looking at yourself: then the retching, stomach heaves begin.  Along with rivers of shame and torrents of tears, you get a good look at what you’ve become.  Wow.  It isn’t pretty. 

After taking an honest, personal moral inventory, you notice some of the decomposing problems have formed a slight scab over the surface; the problem is still ugly and hard to look at, but you have looked at it, and you recognize it’s your problem.  No one else is going to see it.  No one else even knows it’s there: especially after the con job, you’ve done to cover the more unsightly ones.  When you eventually take responsibility for what you’ve become, you stop pulling the punches, making up “mitigating” circumstances, and start to understand a little more about yourself. 

You’re not that different from everyone else.  Everyone has problems.  You’ve just admitted to yourself that you have a lot of work to do before you’re ready to look at yourself in the mirror again.  At least you’ve made a start.  You know what you need to fix.  Now you need to honestly figure out a strategy that will really open yourself up again, open enough to let fresh air inside to blow away the dust and clean the dirt that’s piled up in the corners.  If you’re totally honest, you recognize what were complete falsehoods.  You might even reach the point where you realize your whole life was a complete lie.  There.  It’s all out in the open now. 

Alongside the grossness you hate, there’s still a spot or two that’s clean and shiny.  All of a sudden, you see it for what it really is.  Hope.  Despite the difficult problems, you still have hope for yourself.  That’s good.  Without hope, there’s nothing but negativity and a bleak outlook on life.  You don’t want to weigh things out.  There’s a lot of bad stuff floating around inside, but you still have hope.  That gangrene that was growing around your heart doesn’t smell so bad.  At least you’re the only one who can smell it.  And you’re the only one who can make it go away. 

You’re the only one with the power to change your life.  You’re the one that needs to believe you can change things and believe things will be better again.  Now you have hope.  Now you need the faith to really understand that your problems can go away if you make them.  They will only go away if you let light shine on your dark secrets.  You need to stay in the sunshine to keep track of the problems; you need to be aware of them, or else the lies and the fake stories come back.  They will always be there.  They’re easier to believe.  Easier to tell other people.  Easier to look at.  But they become harder to fix.  The longer you keep lying to yourself, the harder it is to start telling the truth.  You don’t need to be told what to do.  You’ve looked at the nasty brutal crud that grew inside you; you also felt the healing effects of honesty and truth. 

You need to hold up honesty, truth, belief, strength and courage.  Only then will you see those little shiny spots of hope that are scattered around, close, very close, and just nearby your heart.  You see those specks of hope, and it reminds you of the clean feeling you had when you sat down and looked at yourself honestly.  You remember, and you recall that if you have faith in yourself, you might be able to not just look at your problems, but act upon that faith and start to clean yourself up again.  All of a sudden, you realize you’re not useless.  You have a lot of work to do.  In fact, you have so much work to do that you are going to become the busiest, happiest and strongest person you know.  You realize you have faith in yourself, and you know you have a plan to get things back together again.  Now it’s time to start planning how to change your life from a jumbled stinking morass of lies, into an organized, decent and progressive life that you are proud to call your own. 

Suddenly, you conceive methods to focus your attention on the good things in life; you understand how giving to others is important, and you realize that doing things that are productive are good as well.  You think of giving.  You think of getting.  You think of do’s and you understand don’ts.  Suddenly, a real plan starts to take shape, and you realize that if you follow this plan you can begin to live a good, upstanding, essential and important life that gives you and everyone that knows you, pride and respect.

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